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the other three letter word

Mom.......

Well, lets just say since November 2008 my mom has officially been off the deep end. I think I have shared some in previous posts, but to recap: She used to be a correctional counselor at the same prison in which my husband in now employed. Her main job was to teach classes to inmates on how to refrain from drugs and alcohol on the outside and also about relationships and family. Well, she kinda fell for her T.A......yes, an inmate! Everyone that knew her were shocked to learn about her new relationship. These were the type of men she would tell my sister and myself to stay away from as a protective mother and now she was with a man that has spent his whole adult life in prison for burglary, possession of a stolen vehicle and battery (to a pregnant person). WHAT?!?! How can she think this is ok?

Her relationship with him became public in April 2009, shortly after he got out of prison. Since April of 2009 when he got out, he has been back in prison three times and she remains loyal to him. At one point he was re-arrested for domestic violence to my mother. Yes, she remains with him.  I don't understand it and am currently in counseling to try to figure it all out and learn how to establish boundaries with her and our relationship.  Don't get me wrong, this is killing me on the inside. This is the woman who for so many years knew more about me than my best friends. We have been through soooo much together and to have her walk away from me and my sister for a man like this sickens me to the core.  The woman that I talk to once a week is not the mom I grew up with or the mom I know and love. She has been taken from me and our family by a worthless man and I don't know what to do to help her, but since she is a 50 year old woman I guess I have to let her live out her life with the choices she is making.

I can't let this get me down during the best time of my life-I am married to the love of my life, have a house to maintain and job that is stress free. I have three (yes three) dogs that love their mama.  I will not let this man win.

The hot and heavy three letter word.

SEX. (note for those in cyber land, I am blushing now).

As a married couple, we do have sex a few times a week but it seems like the act of it is so routine, nothing changes. We do the same positions every time and in the same order. blah....although don't get me wrong, "doggie style" just does something good for this girl and her man. ;)   To spice things up we are considering purchasing a little something that we both are interested in trying out.

No baby making yet, although I did have a scare this last week. I have switched birth control pills three times in the last three months. The one I had been taking is not covered by our insurance, so I started one called Mononessa (a $10 script) in September-not good, gained 7 pounds in 1 month and broke out in acne like I was in 8th grade all over again!  I called my gyno and she prescribed Kariva in October- a $30/month b.c. but one that should be better for me and my body.  So, switching that many times and knowing b.c. takes like 3 weeks to get into your system once you start a new kind was not on my mind all during all of those wonderful escapades with my hubby.  Needless to say, this past week my breasts were really tender and I was nauseous three days in a row, took a test, it was negative. I am not done with my b.c. for this month yet so if I don't start my period in a week or so, another test will be taken.  We are thinking of maybe starting to try after our first anniversary in July so we have time to pay some bills off and get our house updated a little more.

Well, that's about all I can share at this time about the sex of this young, married couple. I am pretty sure Andy would kill me if he knew I just shared all of this :)

once again, slacking on the blog.

So it seems I only update once in a blue moon, and it seems I am not going to change.  :)

Since the last post in June we are married!  The day was beautiful and went off without a hitch, except that the ceremony wasn't recorded, huge sad face at this.  I guess it is my fault because I didn't want to pay anyone to tape it for us professionally.  I instead had someone from the church set up a video camera on the balcony so the most important parts would be seen (vows, unity candle,etc.).  Problem: the guy that set up the camera did not tell the guy at the sound board that it was indeed hooked up so he did not start the recording so we don't have a video.  Oh well, if that is the worst thing that could have happened on that day, I am completely ok.
Pictures from our big day:

We have been married 4 months now! It is hard to believe that I have been his wife for that long already.  Although not much really changed with our relationship because we have been together almost 7 years and lived together a year and a half before the big day. The only thing we seem to struggle with is our time spent together and making it count. He works as a correctional officer at the prison in our town, which in the economy is a great job with great benefits.  We do not take that for granted at all. What does suck is that he is low man on the pole and started at 1st shift and is now on 3rd shift.  He goes to work at 10:30pm and is home at 7am. I go to work at 10:30am and am off at 6:30pm (this shift will only last until the find someone permanent for this area of the clinic).  Anywho, the problem: it seems that when we are both home and awake at the same time he is either watching tv or on the computer. We can't seem to figure out how to spend good, quality time together (aka, what to do with our time together).  I am not sure how to fix this issue.  Another issue, on his days off (Tuesday and Wednesday) he spends the day hanging out with his guy friends and then comes home and watches tv or is on the computer. Wednesday night is poker night so I don't seem him after 8pm.......

To try to fix this growing problem I have officially declared Tuesday nights as "our" night. He is to stay home and we are to spend time together as husband and wife, no tv or computer.  Any other ideas on how to share our time together??

HOLY COW--it's been too long good friend!

Wow. I have not kept up on this like I thought I would. I have been soooo busy lately. With the end of school and end of a phase of my life came the beginning of a career for Andy (the fiance). He got offered a job with the Illinois Department of Corrections as a correctional officer!!! This is a dream job for him/us. It has an awesome pay and great benefits! We have been praying for financial help for awhile now and this job was something we knew would help us out. He leaves June 21st for six weeks of training--Monday morning thru Friday afternoons. Yes, this includes the week of the wedding!!! He will get back Friday afternoon on the 9th in time for the rehearsal, we get married Saturday, he returns to Springfield on Monday morning! It will be a crazy week for me without his help, but I know this job will be well worth it!

Knowing he would possibly get this job, we did not plan for a honeymoon. However, my stepdad got us a hotel room and tickets to a Chicago Cubs (our favorite team) for the weekend after the wedding!! It was such a thoughtful gift that we are so thankful for.

Speaking of gifts, our shower was this past Sunday. It was a "co-ed" Fiesta themed shower. It was a lot of fun. Our groomsmen and bridesmaids put it on for us. They worked really hard and we felt really blessed. We got some great things. Some of my favorite gifts were of the personal sort--my stepsister handmade 2 garters for me! They are our wedding colors and the one we will keep has a charm on it that was engraved with our names and wedding date. Another favorite was from my aunt. She made a frame that has every part of our wedding invitation on it with two pictures of us. She is a scrapbooker so it is really neat. I will have to post a picture once I can find my camera battery charger so I can take a picture of it! :)

This is my best friend, Kara from You, Me and Baby Makes Three. Even with a newborn, she worked hard to pull of a great shower for us. Thanks!

Here is a pic of the bridal party, minus one groomsman who had to leave early for work...


Wow, I know I am all over the place, but it really has been too long!

I have been really keeping up with two blogs lately- Heir to Blair and The Pioneer Woman. I could spend literally hours reading on The Pioneer Woman. She is witty and has great stories. I am in the middle of reading the story of how she met and fell in love with her cowboy husband. Refreshing!

Well, I guess that is all for now. I have a lot going on this crazy mind of mine...mostly wedding to-do's that I should get to ASAP! 30 days until I am Mrs. Moser! It's about time after 6 years of dating!

Carissa

how do I add a picture to my posts?????

a colapse of the heart and mind

I stood up for myself yesterday and it felt EMPOWERING!

Back two steps: For awhile now my fiance has taken to calling me names. Now, I know a lot of it is in a joking manner and he does not mean anything by it, but after so long it wears on a girl. So whenever I would bring up to him that I don't like him calling me by these names he would not take me seriously. I finally realized that this is verbal abuse. I know he loves me more than anything but to call the woman you are about to marry names like ho, cooze, idiot, etc. is not appropriate.

So Tuesday night was really bad, he was mad at me for setting up my new cell phone. long story, I was just trying to help. He made it seem like I was incapable of doing that and I was an idiot. This was the first night in our 6 year relationship that I have gone to bed angry and did not say good night!

Wednesday morning there was no communication between us. As soon as I got to school I got online and figured out a way to combat this before it gets out of hand and before the "i do's." I wrote him and email that said I am DONE with the name calling. I am a smart, talented and educated woman and did not deserve to be called names. I am his princess, love, companion and future wife and should be talked to as such. I said if he calls me by names I will ignore him and walk out of the room until he is ready to talk to me like an adult and treat me with respect. I got a good response back and we talked about it last night so the beast has been tamed.

I know you are probably thinking, why are you still with him?? Well, this has just started as of late. I am not sure if it is because he is nervous because of the upcoming wedding or if his friends are giving him shit for us getting married and him being tied down? We are going to work through this together and move on. :)

Thus gives me reason number five for staying on my anxiety medicine.

Carissa

uh oh, a break is in sight.

So I have been doing really good emotionally as far as losing my job, planning a wedding, etc.

I am pretty sure I am at my breaking point.

Yesterday our family dog of 12 years was put down (he had been living my aunt and uncle since my parents divorce). His name was Jake, a lab/chow mix we adopted from the pound two days before he was to be put down. He had a good life. If I can figure out how to attach a picture, I will.

Also, went to the doctor for my check-up. I have been taking anxiety medicine for about a year (Paxil- 20mg.) and because lately I have been irritable he decided to ween me off. I am not sure that this is a good idea (see major stress factors above). I am supposed to call next week to let him know how it is going and I think I am just in need of a change of meds and not being med free at this point.

Wedding planning is going. Our invitations arrived in the mail and what do you know, I put the wrong address for the church. My church has two buildings and I put the wrong building down on the invites! Ahhh!! I am calling the company tonight to see what can be done about this. I havn't really done much else. I am kind of at the point where I am not sure what do do next and how soon to do these things. See list below of what needs to be done, maybe you can help me with a timeline!

To complete before July 10:
Meet with florist to finalize flowers
Figure out centerpiece for reception--have an idea, just need to get on it!
Plan ceremony-music, etc.

I know there is a lot more, but completely drawing a blank.


Gotta go--bell rang, study hall is over and onto writing for this teacher.

love: carissa

You have got to be kidding!

So last night I took a trip to Peoria with Elli to get some last minute things for Kara's baby shower that is this Saturday. While I was there I snuck in a cheat meal and had some Arbys and boy was it gooooood!!! :) That isn't the best part, while we were eating Andy called me and said he had something to talk to me about but would wait until I got home....don't you just hate that!

I got home and we sat down at the table and he informed me that he talked to my step-dad who had just talked with my grandma. Now, when my mom quit her job she cashed in her retirement and put a chunk of money in my grandma's hands open an account for our wedding. My grandma did not put my moms name on the account at first because she knew my mom might eventually be in financial trouble and might want to take from the account. After awhile, and in the middle of my grandma's sickness (cancer and surgeries) she decided to add my mom's name just incase. **I did not want my name on the account, in case I was tempted to borrow money-- that is too large of a sum to have my name on it= aka, I dont trust myself.

Well....anyways, my grandma found out that my mom took $600 out of the account. When she asked my mom about it she said "its my money, I can do with it what I want." AHHHHH...are you kidding me! She put this money in the account for our wedding and now that she is working a shit job and is with a lame-ass man that can't get a job because his rap sheet is as long as my legs doesn't mean she can just take money from that account!

Needless to say, Andy and I are going to be frantically buying things for the wedding and getting as much as we can paid for incase she decides she needs a few more hundred dollars to tie her over.

I wish I could rewind my life to 2 years ago when she was happily married with a great job and a happy family and tell her that she is about to make the biggest mistake of her life and convince her to stay strong! Life doesn't work that way however so I must pray and trust in God--what a big task for a bride-to-be with a mom in a crap hole situation.

cheat day already.

Well my no soda, no fast food is going good. I did have a cheat day yesterday though. The 8th graders went to Springfield to visit the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum (3rd time for me going and I still LOVE it!). We stopped at McDonalds and ate after we left the museum. I had a Filet o' Fish meal with a coke and a sundae for desert! If I am going to cheat I am going to do it all the way!! :) I think the hardest time for me will be when we go out to eat. Does lemonade or orange Hi-C count as soda??? I have a really hard time drinking a lot of water so I have to have something to tease the taste buds.

Ordering invitations this week. They should be to our house within a week!! Also, my dress came in on Wednesday! I met my mom and grandma at the bridal store at 4 that afternoon to try it on and I LOVED IT! It fits perfect and I cannot wait to wear it for Andy.

thats all for now from this almost-blushing bride-to-be