Thursday, March 11, 2010
a colapse of the heart and mind
I stood up for myself yesterday and it felt EMPOWERING!
Back two steps: For awhile now my fiance has taken to calling me names. Now, I know a lot of it is in a joking manner and he does not mean anything by it, but after so long it wears on a girl. So whenever I would bring up to him that I don't like him calling me by these names he would not take me seriously. I finally realized that this is verbal abuse. I know he loves me more than anything but to call the woman you are about to marry names like ho, cooze, idiot, etc. is not appropriate.
So Tuesday night was really bad, he was mad at me for setting up my new cell phone. long story, I was just trying to help. He made it seem like I was incapable of doing that and I was an idiot. This was the first night in our 6 year relationship that I have gone to bed angry and did not say good night!
Wednesday morning there was no communication between us. As soon as I got to school I got online and figured out a way to combat this before it gets out of hand and before the "i do's." I wrote him and email that said I am DONE with the name calling. I am a smart, talented and educated woman and did not deserve to be called names. I am his princess, love, companion and future wife and should be talked to as such. I said if he calls me by names I will ignore him and walk out of the room until he is ready to talk to me like an adult and treat me with respect. I got a good response back and we talked about it last night so the beast has been tamed.
I know you are probably thinking, why are you still with him?? Well, this has just started as of late. I am not sure if it is because he is nervous because of the upcoming wedding or if his friends are giving him shit for us getting married and him being tied down? We are going to work through this together and move on. :)
Thus gives me reason number five for staying on my anxiety medicine.
Carissa
Back two steps: For awhile now my fiance has taken to calling me names. Now, I know a lot of it is in a joking manner and he does not mean anything by it, but after so long it wears on a girl. So whenever I would bring up to him that I don't like him calling me by these names he would not take me seriously. I finally realized that this is verbal abuse. I know he loves me more than anything but to call the woman you are about to marry names like ho, cooze, idiot, etc. is not appropriate.
So Tuesday night was really bad, he was mad at me for setting up my new cell phone. long story, I was just trying to help. He made it seem like I was incapable of doing that and I was an idiot. This was the first night in our 6 year relationship that I have gone to bed angry and did not say good night!
Wednesday morning there was no communication between us. As soon as I got to school I got online and figured out a way to combat this before it gets out of hand and before the "i do's." I wrote him and email that said I am DONE with the name calling. I am a smart, talented and educated woman and did not deserve to be called names. I am his princess, love, companion and future wife and should be talked to as such. I said if he calls me by names I will ignore him and walk out of the room until he is ready to talk to me like an adult and treat me with respect. I got a good response back and we talked about it last night so the beast has been tamed.
I know you are probably thinking, why are you still with him?? Well, this has just started as of late. I am not sure if it is because he is nervous because of the upcoming wedding or if his friends are giving him shit for us getting married and him being tied down? We are going to work through this together and move on. :)
Thus gives me reason number five for staying on my anxiety medicine.
Carissa
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
uh oh, a break is in sight.
So I have been doing really good emotionally as far as losing my job, planning a wedding, etc.
I am pretty sure I am at my breaking point.
Yesterday our family dog of 12 years was put down (he had been living my aunt and uncle since my parents divorce). His name was Jake, a lab/chow mix we adopted from the pound two days before he was to be put down. He had a good life. If I can figure out how to attach a picture, I will.
Also, went to the doctor for my check-up. I have been taking anxiety medicine for about a year (Paxil- 20mg.) and because lately I have been irritable he decided to ween me off. I am not sure that this is a good idea (see major stress factors above). I am supposed to call next week to let him know how it is going and I think I am just in need of a change of meds and not being med free at this point.
Wedding planning is going. Our invitations arrived in the mail and what do you know, I put the wrong address for the church. My church has two buildings and I put the wrong building down on the invites! Ahhh!! I am calling the company tonight to see what can be done about this. I havn't really done much else. I am kind of at the point where I am not sure what do do next and how soon to do these things. See list below of what needs to be done, maybe you can help me with a timeline!
To complete before July 10:
Meet with florist to finalize flowers
Figure out centerpiece for reception--have an idea, just need to get on it!
Plan ceremony-music, etc.
I know there is a lot more, but completely drawing a blank.
Gotta go--bell rang, study hall is over and onto writing for this teacher.
love: carissa
I am pretty sure I am at my breaking point.
Yesterday our family dog of 12 years was put down (he had been living my aunt and uncle since my parents divorce). His name was Jake, a lab/chow mix we adopted from the pound two days before he was to be put down. He had a good life. If I can figure out how to attach a picture, I will.
Also, went to the doctor for my check-up. I have been taking anxiety medicine for about a year (Paxil- 20mg.) and because lately I have been irritable he decided to ween me off. I am not sure that this is a good idea (see major stress factors above). I am supposed to call next week to let him know how it is going and I think I am just in need of a change of meds and not being med free at this point.
Wedding planning is going. Our invitations arrived in the mail and what do you know, I put the wrong address for the church. My church has two buildings and I put the wrong building down on the invites! Ahhh!! I am calling the company tonight to see what can be done about this. I havn't really done much else. I am kind of at the point where I am not sure what do do next and how soon to do these things. See list below of what needs to be done, maybe you can help me with a timeline!
To complete before July 10:
Meet with florist to finalize flowers
Figure out centerpiece for reception--have an idea, just need to get on it!
Plan ceremony-music, etc.
I know there is a lot more, but completely drawing a blank.
Gotta go--bell rang, study hall is over and onto writing for this teacher.
love: carissa
Friday, February 19, 2010
You have got to be kidding!
So last night I took a trip to Peoria with Elli to get some last minute things for Kara's baby shower that is this Saturday. While I was there I snuck in a cheat meal and had some Arbys and boy was it gooooood!!! :) That isn't the best part, while we were eating Andy called me and said he had something to talk to me about but would wait until I got home....don't you just hate that!
I got home and we sat down at the table and he informed me that he talked to my step-dad who had just talked with my grandma. Now, when my mom quit her job she cashed in her retirement and put a chunk of money in my grandma's hands open an account for our wedding. My grandma did not put my moms name on the account at first because she knew my mom might eventually be in financial trouble and might want to take from the account. After awhile, and in the middle of my grandma's sickness (cancer and surgeries) she decided to add my mom's name just incase. **I did not want my name on the account, in case I was tempted to borrow money-- that is too large of a sum to have my name on it= aka, I dont trust myself.
Well....anyways, my grandma found out that my mom took $600 out of the account. When she asked my mom about it she said "its my money, I can do with it what I want." AHHHHH...are you kidding me! She put this money in the account for our wedding and now that she is working a shit job and is with a lame-ass man that can't get a job because his rap sheet is as long as my legs doesn't mean she can just take money from that account!
Needless to say, Andy and I are going to be frantically buying things for the wedding and getting as much as we can paid for incase she decides she needs a few more hundred dollars to tie her over.
I wish I could rewind my life to 2 years ago when she was happily married with a great job and a happy family and tell her that she is about to make the biggest mistake of her life and convince her to stay strong! Life doesn't work that way however so I must pray and trust in God--what a big task for a bride-to-be with a mom in a crap hole situation.
I got home and we sat down at the table and he informed me that he talked to my step-dad who had just talked with my grandma. Now, when my mom quit her job she cashed in her retirement and put a chunk of money in my grandma's hands open an account for our wedding. My grandma did not put my moms name on the account at first because she knew my mom might eventually be in financial trouble and might want to take from the account. After awhile, and in the middle of my grandma's sickness (cancer and surgeries) she decided to add my mom's name just incase. **I did not want my name on the account, in case I was tempted to borrow money-- that is too large of a sum to have my name on it= aka, I dont trust myself.
Well....anyways, my grandma found out that my mom took $600 out of the account. When she asked my mom about it she said "its my money, I can do with it what I want." AHHHHH...are you kidding me! She put this money in the account for our wedding and now that she is working a shit job and is with a lame-ass man that can't get a job because his rap sheet is as long as my legs doesn't mean she can just take money from that account!
Needless to say, Andy and I are going to be frantically buying things for the wedding and getting as much as we can paid for incase she decides she needs a few more hundred dollars to tie her over.
I wish I could rewind my life to 2 years ago when she was happily married with a great job and a happy family and tell her that she is about to make the biggest mistake of her life and convince her to stay strong! Life doesn't work that way however so I must pray and trust in God--what a big task for a bride-to-be with a mom in a crap hole situation.
Friday, February 12, 2010
cheat day already.
Well my no soda, no fast food is going good. I did have a cheat day yesterday though. The 8th graders went to Springfield to visit the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum (3rd time for me going and I still LOVE it!). We stopped at McDonalds and ate after we left the museum. I had a Filet o' Fish meal with a coke and a sundae for desert! If I am going to cheat I am going to do it all the way!! :) I think the hardest time for me will be when we go out to eat. Does lemonade or orange Hi-C count as soda??? I have a really hard time drinking a lot of water so I have to have something to tease the taste buds.
Ordering invitations this week. They should be to our house within a week!! Also, my dress came in on Wednesday! I met my mom and grandma at the bridal store at 4 that afternoon to try it on and I LOVED IT! It fits perfect and I cannot wait to wear it for Andy.
thats all for now from this almost-blushing bride-to-be
Ordering invitations this week. They should be to our house within a week!! Also, my dress came in on Wednesday! I met my mom and grandma at the bridal store at 4 that afternoon to try it on and I LOVED IT! It fits perfect and I cannot wait to wear it for Andy.
thats all for now from this almost-blushing bride-to-be
Monday, February 8, 2010
What does that scale say?!?!?
HOLY COW!! 5 months until the wedding and I officially need to lose about 7-10 pounds! :/ I have never in my life had to diet or exercise for any other reason than staying healthy but now, it is officially "fit into my dress and look good" time. Any ideas??? I am not a good dieter, but will if I must. I have a Denise Austin DVD and a pilates DVD that I can do. Problem: when I get home from teaching all day and cheerleading practice at around 5 I just want to veg out and get on my computer or read! I know I am not the only one who enjoys these simple indulgences when I have wedding weigh to lose. Here it goes. My goal: no fast food until the wedding and NO soda until the wedding. Starting................ NOW! :)
Starting weight: 137
Goal: 127 or even 125 so I can look really good in a swimming suit on our undecided honeymoon.
Starting weight: 137
Goal: 127 or even 125 so I can look really good in a swimming suit on our undecided honeymoon.
Friday, February 5, 2010
end of the week ramblings
So Andy's grandpa goes in for brain surgery today. On Tuesday night he went to the ER where they found a golf ball sized tumor resting on his brain. We will go see him tonight after he gets out of recovery.
Wednesday my grandma went in to have some scar tissue removed/fixed around her stoma. She had thyroid, larynx , and esophagus cancer early last Spring and had the firs two removed and her esophagus repaired. She has not been able to talk for almost a year. I can not imagine where she is at. She has relied on a white board and most recently a small laptop computer to communicate to those who cannot read her lips. The once independent grandma I had is now completely reliant on her husband, Paul. He is doing a great job with her and she appreciate all that he does for her. I am sure that sometimes though she just wants to give up and throw in the towel. She has been the biggest motivator for me and has been my solid foundation in my life. She is the one person I would truly hate to disappoint. She and I both have a strong faith and I know the Lord will see her through and he is working in her at this moment.
It has been quite a week for Andy and I. I have not been going to sleep when I should so I have been exhausted all day at work but still in a good mood and good with the kids. I sometimes get too worked up and am not the nicest person/teacher that I can be. I currently take 20mg of Paxil for anxiety and sometimes I think it makes me more irritable that I should be. When I go for my check-up with my Dr. I will have to remember to address this! :)
Next post will be all wedding. Promise!
Oh, I am having trouble coming up with the rest of my 101 in 1001. I have begged, borrowed and stolen ideas from my best friend, and am still short. I will have to keep thinking and add when I can I guess.
ta ta,
carissa
Wednesday my grandma went in to have some scar tissue removed/fixed around her stoma. She had thyroid, larynx , and esophagus cancer early last Spring and had the firs two removed and her esophagus repaired. She has not been able to talk for almost a year. I can not imagine where she is at. She has relied on a white board and most recently a small laptop computer to communicate to those who cannot read her lips. The once independent grandma I had is now completely reliant on her husband, Paul. He is doing a great job with her and she appreciate all that he does for her. I am sure that sometimes though she just wants to give up and throw in the towel. She has been the biggest motivator for me and has been my solid foundation in my life. She is the one person I would truly hate to disappoint. She and I both have a strong faith and I know the Lord will see her through and he is working in her at this moment.
It has been quite a week for Andy and I. I have not been going to sleep when I should so I have been exhausted all day at work but still in a good mood and good with the kids. I sometimes get too worked up and am not the nicest person/teacher that I can be. I currently take 20mg of Paxil for anxiety and sometimes I think it makes me more irritable that I should be. When I go for my check-up with my Dr. I will have to remember to address this! :)
Next post will be all wedding. Promise!
Oh, I am having trouble coming up with the rest of my 101 in 1001. I have begged, borrowed and stolen ideas from my best friend, and am still short. I will have to keep thinking and add when I can I guess.
ta ta,
carissa
Monday, February 1, 2010
1st Blog
Hey bloggers!!
This will be my attempt to blog the craziest time of my life thus far. I am teaching 8th grade History and Writing, planning a wedding (5 months to go!), finding a new job, making a home with my fiance, and coaching high school cheerleading. I first must say that I have been extremely blessed with an amazing family, great best friends, and a fiance that loves me even when I am grouchy and have morning breath. Everything I have so far in my life I know is a gift from God whether it be good, confusing or sometimes bad. I am attempting to do three big things this year; by the end of 2010 be debt free with the exception of our house and two car payments, read 50 books this year and complete a chunk of my 101 in 1001 list. The last two ideas I got from my best friend, Kara who is an amazing support for me during this time and a beautiful expectant mother. All for now. I must get back to teaching the kiddies (I am blogging during study hall, not History! :) )
This will be my attempt to blog the craziest time of my life thus far. I am teaching 8th grade History and Writing, planning a wedding (5 months to go!), finding a new job, making a home with my fiance, and coaching high school cheerleading. I first must say that I have been extremely blessed with an amazing family, great best friends, and a fiance that loves me even when I am grouchy and have morning breath. Everything I have so far in my life I know is a gift from God whether it be good, confusing or sometimes bad. I am attempting to do three big things this year; by the end of 2010 be debt free with the exception of our house and two car payments, read 50 books this year and complete a chunk of my 101 in 1001 list. The last two ideas I got from my best friend, Kara who is an amazing support for me during this time and a beautiful expectant mother. All for now. I must get back to teaching the kiddies (I am blogging during study hall, not History! :) )
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
